Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
