YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
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I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
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Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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