my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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