The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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