for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
