I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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