the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
