Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
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