Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
