she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
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I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
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The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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