Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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