John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Randomize
