When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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