I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
