i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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