Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
