my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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