My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
