Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
