Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
