Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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