if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
