i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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