Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
