the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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