Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
