if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
