Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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