I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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