I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
