I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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