I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
