How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
