WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
