Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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