the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
