Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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