He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
