its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
