eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
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3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
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I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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