and she was petting her beer can
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
