I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Randomize
