When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
