i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
