Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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