I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
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