nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
