i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
