i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
