Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
