you traded sex for a burrito?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
