dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
