I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
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Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
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There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
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