I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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