i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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