two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
