I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Randomize
