I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
